1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
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I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I have no passwords left in me
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.