1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
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The police never think its as funny as you do.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –