1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
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God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
it must be school picture day
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.