1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
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Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.