1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
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People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.