1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
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judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
🤣
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*