1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
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Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Hey I worked for it too!
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”