[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
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The opposite of Iceland is water water
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim