[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
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You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
No, he would not have.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money