*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
You Might Also Like
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*