[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
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The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Always a metermaid never a meter
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?