1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
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Milk Cube
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
There are usually two types of merchants.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”