[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
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My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Best table by far
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*