[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
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It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN