[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
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Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
cry laughing at this shit
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Sing it!
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me