[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
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{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.