[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
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EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
this will hang in the louvre one day
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
*pronounces patio like ratio
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.