[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
You Might Also Like
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Me :
All Day At Night
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.