[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
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Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.