[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
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Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
How software testing works
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.