{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
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Going to church you guys need anything
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Finally, an explanation.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…