[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

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Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.


If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.


“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*


If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.


Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.


Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.


I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.


I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes