@markedly *continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
@kyry5 [1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
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@markedly 
@MomofTeen Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
@noog If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
@AndyAsAdjective “I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
@MarkTConard If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
@sonictyrant Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
@AmishPornStar1 Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
@Nips_00 Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
@samalmightysam I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
@UnIxphysco I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes