[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
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If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
calling in to work dehydrated
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.