[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
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My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
My life coach traded me.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath