[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
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Guilty! 🤪
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.