[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
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I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.