[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
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I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Smile they said.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one