[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
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The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.