[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
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[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me