[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
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Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I like long walks away from everyone
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?