1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
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My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Doormats are a gateway rug.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes