[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
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DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat