[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
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Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Smile they said.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.