[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
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“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
🤭😂
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea