[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
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I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Fixed this for Shakespeare
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.