1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
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*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.