[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
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I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
There is no “we” in pizza
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.