{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
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puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Same post same
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂