[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
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*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
when revenge coincides with naptime
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.