[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
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my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.