[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
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*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
crying
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.