[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
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I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Guys, I found it.