[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
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I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.