[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
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bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.