[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
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My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking