[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
You Might Also Like
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no