(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

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{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!


[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please


Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store


Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.


[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not


Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.


Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.


It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft