(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
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Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Finished stitching this today 😇
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this