@seamussaid

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

You Might Also Like

@AmericanGent69

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

@aotakeo

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

@fuzzlime

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

@sliver_of

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

@Shenaniglenns

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

@joshesOK

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

@InternetHippo

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft