[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
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My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Guys, I found it.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!