[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
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If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Seek kebab; not attention