[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
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“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.