*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
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wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
knights of the ikea table
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW